If Only is a memoir of a nine year old Chinese Indonesian girl growing up in Jakarta in the 1950–60’s. She lost her mother who dies after the sixth attempt to bear a son. If she were a boy, her mother would still be alive. This accusation has tormented her all her life. When her cousin physically assaulted her, her father who despises his five daughters didn’t take any action. Her repressed anger causes, years later, cancer. She overcomes the traumatic and difficult youth by her love of reading. Although coming from a dysfunctional family, she later becomes one of the most popular romance writers in the country. This is her first non-fiction.