Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creations

Non-Fiksi (Sains) | 571.8 JUDS | Hardcover | Bahasa Inggris

Dengan menggunakan metafor antropomorfis yang kocak, dalam buku ini Olivia Judson menciptakan alter-egonya, Dr. Tatiana, kolumnis problem seks yang menjawab pertanyaan, persoalan dan kepusingan seksual berbagai macam makhluk hidup, termasuk serangga, ulat, dll. (meskipun tumbuhan tidak begitu sering dibahas). Kolom-kolom dalam buku ini dibagi menjadi 13 bab, dengan tiap bab mengusut tema-tema yang berbeda (“kejalangan” betina, biaya ngegebet, kanibalisme, kekerasan, cara-cara “licik”, homoseksualitas, kelangkaan monogami, inses, “pembengkokan jender” dan variannya, hermaprodit, aseksualitas) yang kemudian dikumpulkan menjadi tiga bagian. Tiap kolom umumnya dimulai dengan pertanyaan polos yang menggelitik:

Dear Dr. Tatiana, Saya dengar saya memerlukan tiga minggu hanya untuk membuat satu sperma. Katanya ini karena spermanya perlu ekor dengan panjang dua puluh kali lipat panjang badan saya. Kan nggak adil banget tuh?! Saya ini cuma seekor lalat buah, Drosophila bifurca. Apa ngga ada prostesis?

Menunggu Sperma di Ohio

Dan Dr. Tatiana akan menjawab dengan gayanya yang ramah dan asyik:

Sayang sekali, tidak ada market untuk ekor sperma buatan: kamu harus membuatnya sendiri. Benar sekali, memang tidak adil buatmu. Kenapa seekor lalat buah dengan panjang tiga milimeter — lebih pendek daripada strip ini — harus membuat sperma dengan panjang lima puluh delapan milimeter? Manusia jauh lebih besar daripadamu, tapi spermanya seribu kali lebih kecil. Coba, kalau cowok harus membuat sperma dengan skalamu, maka spermanya akan menjadi sepanjang ikan paus biru. Nah, itu sih saya nggak menolak liat.

Dan itu hanyalah satu dari beberapa kolomnya — Dr. Tatiana memberi pembacanya tur mengenai problem seksual yang similar ataupun berhubungan di spesies lainnya, memberi informasi menarik dan detail mengenai biologi dan seksualitas dengan humor yang bakal mengocok perutmu, tapi juga gak mekso. Discovery Channel membuat dokumenter musikal untuk buku ini.

Di dalam dokumenter ini, kita melihat Olivia Judson muncul sebagai Dr Tatiana, konsultan sekspert dengan rok mini putih, mengendarai Mustang untuk risetnya, menghibur dan meyakinkan berbagai macam problem seks makhluk-makhluk binal (”from frustrated fruit flies to lovelorn golden pottos”). Dokumenter ini juga dibagi menjadi tiga bagian, meskipun tidak dalam order yang sama dengan bukunya. Bagian pertama dokumenter memberi “sketsa kasar arena perang”, memberi kamu contoh seksualitas hewan yang sangat beragam: banana slugs hermaprodit yang menggigit putus dan mengunyah penisnya setelah kopulasi (”rokok post-coital”), button beetles yang memakan anaknya setelah dia bercinta dengannya, aseksual bdelloid rotifier yang menyebabkan kekacauan a la Jerry Springer show, dll.

Bagian kedua memfokuskan pada betina, yang menurut Dr. Tatiana, tidak sesusai dengan persespsi umum, sebenarnya lebih suka berselingkuh daripada pihak jantan. Karena itulah pihak jantan menciptakan berbagai macam cara untuk mengekang pihak betina, contohnya “sabuk pengaman” dalam bentuk penis yang meledak dalam genital ratu lebah, pihak betina yang pilih-pilih dengan “hadiah” dan atraksi fisik, agresi dalam betina, sedangkan bagian terakhir menunjukkan berbagai macam alat jantan untuk mencegah betina “nyeleweng”: penis dengan duri-duri dan benjolan, afrodisiak, menawarkan diri sendiri untuk dimakan (kanibalisme), dll. Tentunya, banyak informasi buku yang dikurangi dari dokumenter ini, dan lagu-lagunya mungkin terlalu banyak dan repetitif, tapi yang jelas sangat menghibur (dan yang jelas akan bikin kamu penasaran dengan bukunya), sementara aspek visual dan kostumnya sendiri pun cukup imajinatif.


Non-Fiction (Science) | 571.8 JUDS | Hardcover | English

Applying hilariously exaggerated anthropomorphic slants, in this book Olivia Judson creates her own Dr. Tatiana, the sex advice column aunt agony to all sorts of sexually frustrated, confused creatures. With this framework, she present an informative and entertaining tour of the interesting evolutionary biology of sex. The columns are grouped in thirteen chapters, each focusing on certain themes (female’s promiscuousity, wooing expenses, how to win if you’re a loser, cannibalism, violence, “sneaky” devices, homosexuality, extreme rarity of monogamy, incest, “gender-bending” and its variants, hermaphrodite, asexuality) to then further compiled as three parts. Each column typically begins with a question, for example

Dear Dr. Tatiana, I’ve heard it’s going to take me three weeks to make just one sperm. Apparently this is because it’s going to need a tail twenty times longer than my body. This seems awfully unfair. I’m just a little fruit fly, Drosophila bifurca. Can’t I get a prosthesis?

Waiting for Sperm in Ohio

And Dr. Tatiana would reply chattily:

There’s no market in artificial sperm tails: you’re going to have to make them yourself. You’re right — it’s not fair. Why should a fruit fly three milimeters long — smaller than this dash — have to make sperm that measure fifty-eight milimeters? A human is far bigger than you, but gets away with sperm one thousand times smaller. Indeed, if a man were to make a sperm on your scale, it would be as long as a blue whale. Now, that I’d like to see.

And that’s just one of the small samples. Dr Tatiana would give you a tour of similar or related problems in other species (”The Giant Sperm Hall of Fame contains a diverse scattering of animals”), exploring detailed information on the biology of sex with entertaining wit that is never pushed at the expense of information nor enjoyment. The book doesn’t assume a background in biology, and at the end of the book ample, thorough notes are provided for those interested in furthe (more technical) readings. Well-written, as entertaining as it is informative, a must-read if you snored through your high-school biology. Discovery Channel created a three-part musical documentary as a company to this book (and yes, we do have it in VHS, in English, no subs).

Instead of the book’s sassy sex advice columnist (who’d put whatsername of that Sex and the City to shame), Olivia Judson appears in the doco as a leggy, white-leather-clad Dr Tatiana the sexpert consultant, riding along in her Mustang for her research, consoling all-dancing, all-singing, hanky-panky creatures (”from frustrated fruit flies to lovelorn golden pottos”).

While the show is also divided into three parts, it does not proceed in the same order as the book. The first part of the documentary gives “a sketch of the battlefield”, glimpses through the weird, troubled wild world of animal sex: hermaphrodite banana slugs that chew their penises after copulation (”post-coital cigarettes”), button beetles eating her son after she has sex with him, an asexual bdelloid rotifier causing a riot a la Jerry-Springer show, and a whole array of very colourful shenanigans. The second part focuses on females, more strumpets than saints, e.g. a chastity belt in the form of exploding penis left inside queen bee’s genital, girls being picky, lured with gifts and physical attractions, aggression in females, while the last part shows the length boys would go to stop the females from sleeping around (penis with thistles, nobbles and spikes (some girls are just so lucky!), aphrodisiacs, offering of oneself as a snack), what to do if you’re a “poor, ugly wimp” (be a sneak or join a gang). Not as information-packed as the book of course, but very entertaining nevertheless, and the visuals and costumes are actually quite imaginative. The songs, like most musicals out there, can get a bit too much and draggy (some songs I wish weren’t as long), but hey, I can just imagine just for once the full, undivided attention from high school students on this doco.

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Founding director, c2o library & collabtive. Currently also working in Singapore as a Research Associate at the Institute of Southeast Asian Studies (ISEAS). Opinions are hers, and do not represent/reflect her employer(s), institution(s), or anyone else with whom she may be remotely affiliated.

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